The Criteria of Religion in Marriage

One evening as I sat with my friends discussing on the women in India, of today and that of the medieval period, we started with a new topic of discussion that was going around. This was the topic of 'Honor killing' and that has prompted me to write and share my views on this subject.  I hope I am able to put my understanding across to you, my dear friends.

As quoted by F.W. Robertson- "Marriage is not a union merely between two creatures - it is a union between two spirits; and the intention of that bond is to perfect the nature of both, by supplementing their deficiencies with the force of contrast, giving to each sex those excellencies in which it is naturally deficient; to the one, strength of character and firmness of moral will; to the other, sympathy, meekness, tenderness; and just so solemn and glorious as these ends are for which the union was intended, just so terrible are the consequences if it be perverted and abused; for there is no earthly relationship which has so much power to ennoble and to exalt. There are two rocks, in this world of ours, on which the soul must either anchor or be wrecked - the one is GOD, and the other is the sex opposite."

In today's fast moving world, more and more people are marrying into different faiths and religions. A major difficulty these young couples can face is lack of acceptance by their parents and their family. Many times I have seen that the parents' negative reaction is so strong that they forcibly disown their offspring. They even refuse to speak on any matter that relates to their union, which then becomes a ban, an unresolvable problem that creates tremendous pain and hurt among all the members in the family. The parents' react to their child's marrying outside the family's traditional religion in drastic ways which is beyond any understanding for the common man.

My perspective in this regard is that parents should try to understand that if they truly love their child, then they naturally will love whomever he or she loves. That is what I consider love is. Love is unconditional and need not be taken away when a grown up son or daughter makes a major decision in life with which the parents disagree. Again, family problems need to be talked about and amicably resolved in a healthy atmosphere, rather than just throwing it out to the winds.

Couples can help prevent such unacceptance by not rushing into marriage. Let them have a long courtship period, wherein they get to understand each other perfectly, their likes and dislikes, their drawbacks, and their temper tantrums. At the same time, they must give their parents time to adjust and ample opportunities to get to know their prospective spouses and his or her parents. When two people have chosen each other out of all the species in mankind, with the firm decison to be there for each other at all times in life's humdrum, have bound themselves to be good-humored, affable,discreet, ever-forgiving, patient to each other's needs and understandings, and joyful, with respect to each other's frailities and perfections, for the rest of their lives.

Couples should use reason and avoid emotion when discussing the proposed marriage. Parents are often impressed to see their off-springs becoming a better, more mature person. So, it is the primary duty of the couples to show their parents through actions that the relationship with their spouses-to-be makes them a more responsible adult, more aware of their duties, obligations in life and better at fulfilling them.
Philosopher, historian, Thomas De Quincey defined marriage as "a union between two persons, who lived in harmony so absolute with each other, as to be independent of the world outside." I have come across marriages of inter-faith where both spouses keep their own separate religions, sharing holidays and the traditions that go with them. They respect their spouse's religious and spiritual beliefs and learn to appreciate the differences and the beauty in both the religions. Their children are also learning about the differences and also the similarities of their beliefs. They may have different belief systems, yet they are united in their philosophy about religion. I consider that religion is a very personal issue. No matter how we have been raised, we have chosen our faiths through our education, our beliefs and ultimately our personal faith.

Problems are certainly going to arise when one's philosophy does not allow him or her to respect another person's beliefs. This is their personal choice. This will definitely give rise to a conflict in marriage. I feel that in an inter-faith marriage, couples can derive immense strength in their marriage when they study the scriptures of the holy book together. This brings them much closer and also helps in bonding and stimulating a good conversation. When couples fight, it is wrong to vent their frustrations by using religion to prove their spouse's wrong. To prove they are religious, can they not prove this through their actions instead of words? The children should also be taught to respect and be tolerant to all the religions. When GOD himself has no qualms about religions or the manner in which mankind prays to him why are we stressing on the futile point of religion? Is he not blessing each one of us with our prayers to him?

Yes, I have seen parents complain that they have sacrificed all their life immensely to bring up their children in the right way with moral values and ethics, so when their children announce their intention of marrying outside their faith, the first reaction is, "Where have I gone wrong? " Their children's decision is taken as a rejection of their values and a total lack of appreciation for all that they did.. This is understandable. But, I feel the parents are not being rejected, it may be the beginning of a bright new chapter in future. Marriage does not mean cutting off the roots of the family tree or the family bonding from either side. Marriage does not mean tearing any family to shreds only for the selfish purpose of the two couples getting married to remain happy.

As Bulwer said," To be happy you must forget yourself. Learn Benevolence; it is the only cure of a morbid temper."

My belief in the Super Natural

THE DAY I BEGAN BELIEVING IN THE SUPERNATURAL

As far as I can remember, right from my childhood, I was a bit on the courageous side. Even in school, when my friends would talk about a house being haunted I would gently nudge them and say, "There is no such thing as Ghosts or the supernatural." I would keep assuring them that it was their psychology that was working or that their imagination was running wild. Until the day my mom wanted to take me to my Uncle's house in South Karnataka, for the summer holidays. I was too excited about going there as I had a strange fascination for that house, being on top of the hill with a good view of the entire town below and thick forests all around.

Since dad was too busy with his job, both mom and I decided to go on our own. Things began taking a strange turn right from the word "Start'. As we got into the bus, on hearing of our destination, the driver of the bus and the Ticket collector shared an eerie glance at each other. I, being the usual "Mata Haari" asked them if anything was wrong. They said," No, but that place, are you really sure you want to go there?" Sure, I had made up my mind and that was final. So, he dropped us mid-way on the hill and directed us to reach my uncle's place. All along we were
chugging our luggage and enjoying the beauty of the place. By now it was slowly turning to dusk. We trudged along and finally reached the house. Knocking on the huge doors, we were welcomed by my aunt who ushered us in. After the usual chat and a quick dinner, I excused myself to hit the bed early. As I turned in, I felt I was being watched. Thinking it was my imagination, as I was too tired, I turned on my side trying to get some sleep. Half way through my sleep, I felt someone brushing my hair, in a caressing manner. Me and my guts! I turned to see who it was and found that the window was open. I remember shutting it well. Who could have opened it? I got up to close the window. I managed to get some sleep.

When I woke up, my mom said she was going to the nearby temple with my aunt, so if I wished I could sleep a bit longer and have a leisurely bath. That sounded great. This was just for a short while as my cousin came in asking me to come and have agood view of the lake near the house. We had a light breakfast and then a quick bath. My cousin usually gets the clothes washed at the lake, so she said," C'mon, as we wash the clothes we can catch up on all the talking." I agreed to this. By now it was around noon. With the basket of clothes we followed the narrow path towards the lake. I enjoyed the chirping of the birds, something I never get in the city, the cool summer breeze and the lively chatter from my cousin. On reaching the lake, as I laid the basket of clothes on the hard rock, I got a glimpse of the lake. It was marshy, and something kept telling me there is something fishy going on here. The lake was as good as telling me,"Go back, You are not wanted here." I turned to my cousin to tell her what I felt and the next minute found her saying, "Hey, I forgot the soap. Could you just wait here, until I fetch the soap?" Not
realizing what was in store for me, I replied, "Sure, but do make it fast. This heat is unbearable". I was left all alone near the lake. Nothing happened for the first few moments. I t was then that I heard the dry twigs crackling, the sound that you get when someone is stealthily coming closer to you. I turned around to ask, " Yes, is someone here?" No answer coming, I got up, looked all around me, and then called out to my cousin, "Usha, are you back as yet?" Again no reply.

Now I decided to retrace my steps back to the house, wondering what's taking her so long. I began walking when I felt that someone was just a few inches behind me and the deep breath that one takes. I slowly hastened my steps, the steps behind me also began hastening, still a little faster steps I took, again the speed of the one behind me hastened. I started running, my long hair giving way and then all along I began screaming, "Mummy, where are you, there is someone behind me." My cousin who was standing on the steps of the house, saw me in tears and shouted, "Run straight to the Prayer room, don't turn back, for god's sake". I just gate-crashed to the room and fell down crying at the altar. I do not know how long I sat there. It was my aunt who had just come back from the temple, who shook me and assured me not to get worried. I asked her, "What was that?" She replied that she would tell us when we relaxed.

It was now the turn of my mom who had just turned in from the temple. Being a hot and a sultry climate, she decided to have a bath. The bathroom was the old thatched type where the cows were also resting next to the make-shift bathroom. My mom had just got ready when there was a loud mooing from the cows. My mom in her usual pratter, asked, "Yes, what's wrong?" She then noticed that the cow was speaking through her eyes and focussing her sight to someone standing behind mom. Seeing no one, mom thought she was imagining. By now the cow started began beating her hoofs on the ground with a loud thud. Mom decided not to have her bath, just a quick wash. What happened next is something to be seen to be believed. The cow did jump pretty high, trying to save mom, (my mom was already on the ground with a loud thud), and ran with her tail high as if chasing somebody to butt the thing with its horns.

We thought this was too much for one day. We urged our uncle and aunt to spill the beans. It was then revealed that a young man, around 26-27 years was murdered by his mother and her paramour and then his body was dumped in the lake, several years back. Since that day, though the body was fished out, the ghost keeps haunting every one in that house. I decided we leave that very day back to our home in the city. My experience has indeed brought me to believe that there is something called Paranormal beings and if that spirit is not given the chance to pass over we are bound to be victims of such situations.

I wish the stars of the super-hit serial, "Super Naturals" read this. They surely ought to visit this place, but I am not sure if it still exists as the last I heard was that the place has been converted into some oil factory. God help the poor soul!

India - "The Land of Senas"

Crimes against women are steadily rising. There was a recent attack on women in a Mangalore pub on 24th January 2009. The founder of The Sri Rama Sena, who claims to be the "Custodians of Indian Culture", says there is no need to raise a hue and cry about the attack on women.
The women's fault was that they were found in the pub in the company of their women friends. They were five in number against a pack of wild wolves who were forty in number. They literally barged into the pub and began targetting the innocent women, pulling their hair, skirts and jeans, forcibly making them sit on chairs and slapping them no end, when they tried to escape. They were humiliated no end and were called whores and prostitutes.
Let me begin by asking the readers, "Is culture only for the women folk in India? What culture do the menfolk have, when they abuse their wives in public, their old parents who have looked after them right from their infancy only to put them in old-age homes? Where is the culture when men get drunk beyond the point of saturation and drive recklessly only to kill innocent people on the roads, or rape the women as and when they can set their eyes on them? Why is the Center silent about all this?"
The situation is getting worse with each passing day. Intolerance is spreading at a rapid rate in our country. Hoodlums are attacking women violently in the name of religion. They have a warped sense of indian tradition, culture and ethos. Those men who attacked women in Mangalore, think that every woman walking down the street is his private property, their wife to teach them the essence of culture. These very same people hold the public to ransom and assault them as to their whims and fancies. It is tragic that our state and Central governments are ill-equipped and unwilling to crack down swiftly on these hoodlums. All the attacks have not been so far tracked and the perpetrators of violence are not brought to book till date and even if they are, they are left on bail, to continue their "Goondaism".
Recounting the trauma, one of the woman victims claimed that the Sri Ram Sena activists hurled abuses at them, asking them who gave them the right to wear skirts, Jeans? I should ask them, "Who gave them the right to wear pants? Let them come in loin cloth even to the work place, that is our Hindu Shastra, isn't it? These victims of violence felt the whole incident which occurred so fast in just a quarter of an hour, as very traumatising and none of the by-standers came forward to help them or even shield them when they were pushed, or jostled. The only young man who came to protect them was beaten black and blue. If these people talk about culture and calling women prostitutes, then even their wives are first-class prostitutes as per their logic. Isn't it?
Hooliganism is thriving in the name of "Indian Culture" in Mangalore - The land of so-called Shastras and Dharmas with Brahmins preaching to all and sundry when they themselves are totally confused about the rights and wrongs in the shastras. Every one claims he is a vidhwan in the vedas. God Help the gods!! Today there is a ban on women going to the pubs, wearing jeans, skirts, noodle straps etc, etc. Tomorrow, there will be a diktat for the married couples on how they should carry on their private life, by the so - called "Custodians of Culture". Most of the attackers in India are generally history-sheeters and such people should not be given bail. They should be treated as criminal molestors of women. Here, we have a clear case of the law not being applied to prevent crime as quoted by former top cop Kiran Bedi.
What is the state headquarters doing with such imbecile bullies? This is nothing but TALIBANISATION of India. As a woman, I feel it is a violation of our freedom. Nobody is given the right to assault any woman. Indian culture gives equal status to men and women. Who are these people to stop and dictate the women on the grounds of culture? Since when have these hoodlums become"Culture Police"? This is an obnoxious act that is definitely unpardonable. These perpetrators of violence on women are in no way custodians of either culture, religious or social mores. Ours is a diverse democracy and any indian citizen with a fair amount of intelligence and common sense will never tolerate such irrational behaviour.
And now the whole incident has come down to the level of threats and blackmail to the victims of the mentioned violence. The next program of the Sri Rama Sena is to target people on the upcoming Valentine's Day. The Proclamation of the chief of the Sri Rama Sena is that he has decided to arrange marriages between dating couples. For this, he has formed five teams who will roam around the city of Bangalore with a video camera and a turmeric stub in their hands. As and when he finds young couples dating, he will force them to wed on the spot. In that case, this man should be prosecuted for introducing "Polygamy" in our society. Going by the number of young people dating on theValentine's Day, we will have Mass marriages. This is one state in India that was once having a strong image of Peace and Tolerance and is NOW heading in a different direction leading to Hoodlums, molestors and perpetrators of violence on women in the lowest imaginable degree.
The day is not far when tourists will have an additional point in their itinerary, on their visit to India - " Incredible India" - India - "The Land of Senas": Rama Sena, Shiva Sena, Bhima Sena, Hanumantha Sena and last but not the least, "Goonda Sena".

"GOD BLESS DEAR INDIA"